I'm ready to fight. The past couple of months have definitely not gone according to the plan, or at least not my plan. I have a dream and a strong desire in my heart and for some reason I thought it would be in place/ happening right now, but guess what it isn't. I feel like the Lord has been priming my heart for several months maybe even a year now, confirming the desires that are deep down in my heart (Not my own just the ones that HE has planted there). It is actually really crazy. The things I said a year ago about my future when someone asked me what I intended to do with my nursing degree would have probably sounded something like, Oh I’m going to get some experience and move to Africa...I still kept it in my mind. I partly just said it to give someone an answer to get off my back, but partly I knew that it was in my DNA and maybe someday and somehow it would come true if I just said it enough. When month after month went by, without the right job coming along, I knew He was saying just wait and pray. He had a different plan. What plan? I argued God, if you mean that plan I'll need experience. I need to know what I am doing. I am a new nurse with two weeks of vast nursing knowledge. What could he do with me? Won't I look illequipped? Don't I need money? God I have loans I have to pay off... Do you know this? God, I can't pay my loans working an almost minimum paying job? He just kept saying be patient and pray. I started praying and He started opening my eyes. Not only to opportunities surrounding my dream, but to new things about HIM and who He was. He would quiet my heart and say Cayla.. I have you right where I want you, you know that. However, something deep in my heart just couldn't rest in that, and I would fight it.Why did I work my butt off in nursing school to work at this job and to nanny? Couldn't I be more useful somewhere else? I don't understand, but I also knew what He was saying and it was still to be patient. So I kept praying and He would keep giving me sneak peaks of maybe what He was working on. Even though those "opportunities" didn't always work out, it was like He was saying Cayla, I haven't forgotten. It's just not time. SO I kept waiting.
I had the opportunity to hear a girl speak about a month ago who was so ridiculously in love with Jesus, I honestly don't know if I had ever seen someone that was so obsessed with him and also so bold about telling people. She was talking about this point in her life when doing life and doing church just wasn't enough anymore. When I say "Doing church” I don't mean it in a fake way. I don't mean you just show up, eat the doughnuts and go home, but it wasn't super personal. It wasn't a longing that couldn't be quenched or a relationship that made every other relationship in her life look like hate. While she was speaking, something in my spirit just couldn't be relaxed and entertained by her words, it was compelling me to something much more significant than "doing church”. I honestly wasn't trying to simply replicate something that had happened in her life. It was showing me how disgusting my laziness is when it comes to my relationship with the creator of the world. She continued talking about how she didn't know what to do except read her bible day and night, and when she wasn't reading she was meditating on it or praying. It wasn't a new fun thing to do or a heartless commitment that would fade away in a week or two IT WAS WAR. It was war against her flesh, against the prince of this world, against the comfortable Christianity that we have fallen in to. I walked out of that place extremely challenged and convicted. It has become a war the past month. I am not going to lie I feel like I'm losing most days, but nevertheless I keep fighting because I know in the end He wins and He has my heart.
I truly believe that God has something churning in my future. I would like to think that it is closer rather than far away, but either way I still believe it wholeheartedly. I believe that when I would flippantly throw out an answer about doing community health around the world to answer someone's question, that it wasn't a coincidence. I am not saying that with arrogance, because it isn't my grand plan. It isn't my idea or even possible for me to complete without Him. I feel like this time that I thought had been wasted is really only him preparing my heart for the mountain ahead. A journey isn't easy. I won't always have the comforts of my couch, friends, or bed, and sometimes that will be hard. My calling is much higher than that though and so is yours.
Tonight I was reading over Psalm 40, When David was talking about the Lord not restraining His Mercy from us, because our sins have overtaken us. I am so thankful for that chapter. David, God's chosen man said that his sins outnumbered the hairs on his head, yet God still chose to save him! I'm pretty sure I could have a lot of head's full of hair, and my sins would still outnumber them. He is still faithful. He is still my Father, and His love is still steadfast.
"Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, Look Full in His wonderful face, and the things of the Earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His Glory and Grace"
So Thankful for his pursuing love everyday towards my hard and dark heart. Praying that He will use me in a mighty way only for His Renown. Also for his all-knowing plan that has provided me with an almost minimum paying job and opportunity to share my Faith.
There's way more to it than we will ever know. Go to War. He hasn't forgotten and He has a plan.
