Five weeks and one day ago I came home from a summer of seeing God work in my life in an unbelievable way. I think it has taken me this long to just process everything and understand partially what the Lord has taught me. I think one thing that I learned during the whole trip was very simple. There wasn't a moment in my time there that I thought "Oh yea.. this is exactly why I came". There wasn't a huge moment when the Lord shot lightening down from Heaven or anything spectacular, but it all started with a small voice.. that grew bigger and bigger until I was willing to listen to it. I had been there about a month, I was having the time of my life. I was making friends, eating strange foods, learning culture and all the wonderful things I had intended to, but I wasn't always looking for the Lord's work. I was looking for my experience. Please understand that I knew that God had called me to this place, and I was right where he wanted me. I just didn't feel him working. I felt like nothing was happening. I was just living and having a great time (thinking I was doing something extraordinary). I then realized that is the exact place God needed me to be in order to show me what he was about to show me. My heart. Who knew that it would take me flying all the way around the world and doing crazy things in order for Him to show me something that was with me the whole time. He kept impressing these thoughts in my mind. .. Why am I here? For my glory or His? How am I living? Lifting my name higher or His?.. I quickly realized I was so easily wrapped up in what I (BIG I) was doing for His kingdom. I was there telling an unreached people group about the one who brings life.. I was doing that.. How awesome was that. me. me. me. me. me. Then He showed me.. He doesn't need me and I don't bring anything to the table He doesn't already have. He showed me who I was .. Who we are as humans. Wicked. Evil. Sinful. (regardless of our deeds) I have a sin problem. The only good in me is Jesus. Even when I try to do something good it is usually tied in with some kind of self exaltation. My flesh seeks to glorify self. I never thought that I was a horrible person... I mean yea.. I have sinned a couple of times , but they weren't "that bad".. so I thought until this particular time. Jesus showed me how desperate my heart was for a Savior. So desperate. So entangled in Earth. My sins that weren't so bad ran deep. They ran deep into my DNA, and I saw why I needed a savior. It wasn't those little sins that were so bad, but the underlying issue that I was mocking God. I saw how prideful I was. I can no longer say that I am a good person, because there is no such thing. A good person doesn't sin against the creator of the World, spit in his face, or mock his commandments. I do. We do as humans,Yet He was willing to die for me. I feel like this is a lesson that I have known in my head for a long long time, but I have never truly felt it in my own heart until this point. He is good and I am not. I am unworthy to stand before him, and unworthy to be his servant. I am not good with words, and I don't feel like I have expressed my heart adequately. I hope you are able to see and understand. I hope that God allows you to see.
If you would have asked me before my trip what I thought God wanted to teach me this summer I would have said.. Learn to love the Lost or how to be a good worker in the garden . I never would have thought that the Lord would show me my heart and how self seeking it is. I am so glad He did. I am so glad He showed me because I felt like It brought me closer to him by seeing how much I needed him. I need my heart to be healed. I need to love like HE loves and not how I love. I need my eyes to be opened like His eyes are opened.
My God Is faithful. He is faithful to use my efforts even when they are not pure. He is faithful to lead you to the desert and bring you back with more knowledge than you had before. He is always there. Ready to teach and equip you. Ready to show you how you can love Him more. Ready to prove himself faithful over and over and over and over and over. You just have to have faith. He can do it. He is the God of the Universe. The One who conquered Death. The One who took your place! The things he shows you aren't always the lessons you want to learn, but always the lessons He needs you to learn.
I don't know how I can express anymore how crazy this has been. I just know that He told me to do something and I did it. He took care of the rest. Be obedient.
" Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up" James 4 :10
"Being confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it out unto completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6
The Lord is faithful.. ... Always.
